Glitter Fail: 2011 Oscars

Like the movie geek I am, I look forward to watching the Oscars every year. That said, this year was a huge disappointment. I had high hopes for the James Franco/Anne Hathaway host pairing but those hopes were quickly dashed. I can't remember a more boring couple of hours, highlighted by awful speeches and absolutely no funny moments. I knew this was going to go badly even before it started, when I saw Ann's Valentino dress prior to the opening.

Nice dress, you might say. However, I've seen it before: it was nearly the same dress my daughter-in-law got married in last October, and it looked better on the bride. Valentino looked like a fossil, and clearly he hasn't gotten out much lately.

Moving on. The entire show was pockmarked by moments like these:

•  Melissa Leo's acceptance speech, where she had to say fucking, which got bleeped. Apparently playing a white trash mom wasn't much of a stretch for her, which I suspected.  Don't you hate it when someone who knows they're going to win acts like it's such a shock? Oh please.
• Another supremely boring speech from Natalie Portman, who needs either an editor or duct tape.
• Christian Bale's hyped up accent, which sounded Australian, and yes I know he's British. Seemed to forget his wife's  name, too.
• Having to listen to Florence minus the machine, who inevitably sings off-key live.
• Uninspired "jokes", stale and staler
• James Franco looked as though every time he went backstage, he toked up again
• An old video of Bob Hope, whose lines were better than any heard from a host last night.
• The closing moment of a school choir from New York. OK, sweet and all, but when that was the best they could come with in terms of musical entertainment (and it was), yikes.

Come on, Hollywood. You can do better. Much better. There were actually some decent movies this year, let's showcase this properly. Next year, Ricky Gervais, or at least Alec Baldwin/Steve Martin. That would be worth watching.  Entertain me, you know how and you know this stunk.

Frozen Heart-shaped Box

It's still cold outside and there's been no revelations on the horizon inside either. However, just to get the bad taste out of my mouth and burn a new image on my abused retinas, I thought I'd briefly post something pretty.

Ah, no he hasn't called and it's highly unlikely he ever will but who cares. Kinda warms me up just to see that smirk. I'll bet he's never set foot in a motorhome and doesn't have a poodle named Caressa, either.
Shallow,solitary and loving it.

The Ongoing Futile Quest

Just a brief update on this frosty evening in the hopeless search for a compatible dinner companion as evinced by my latest foray onto the ever exciting website of eharmony.com. We're up to 67 or so complete losers and counting and I'm thoroughly discouraged by the sort of harmonic convergence that appears the eharmony people are up to.  I can picture these little elves sitting in a dank room somewhere sipping lukewarm green tea, fondling themselves and chuckling as they "match" people up in their warped fantasy of a cosmic joke.  The sort I'm getting so far within 100 miles sound like this:

• watches NCIS 
• repairs motorcycles
• doesn't read much
• or reads motorhome magazines
• plays a lot of golf
• love their dogs, (usually small and furry and most likely female (shudder)
• like Garth Brooks
• Forrest Gump was their favorite movie

Plus, I finally had to say I don't like excessively overweight gentlemen. The ones that have pics look somewhat like this:

My favorite was the guy who was the clown at the company picnics. I'm starting to understand nuns. Are there no men over 50 who try these things who aren't morons or look like a Pillsbury doughboy? It's a rhetorical question.  Jesus God.  And, no, I don't want to "extend my membership". I have material enough now for a series of horror stories. I'd like to say it was just research and I think I'll leave on that line. Exit with dignity, stage left.

Colder than a ...rosy cheek in Reykjavik?

Why, yes it is. However, this is the Sonoran desert and the temperature in February isn't supposed to dip into the 20s, but it just did for two nights in a row, and is working on a third. What ?? you say. Something must be wrong. It most likely is, Virginia, this is what we call climate change...think about all the blizzards across the country this year, time and again, and all the other strange weather patterns that have been in effect for the last few years, and it does become fairly obvious there are bigger changes ahead. How far ahead is the question that no one knows the answer to, though.  All I know is my pond is frozen and my lemon tree doesn't look happy, even though I put a blankie on him, poor baby. I'm very glad I don't live in North Dakota, too, but there's more to that than weather, even though the place is a whirl of exotic cuisine and social life.

 

Now you're glad, too. Please warm up in the desert, nobody wants this sort of thing. I may be singing a different tune come July, but I don't think it's ever going to be for a McWank's.